Solid Snake and Raiden... SPEAK OUT!!
by JennH1
Summary: Solid Snake and Raiden are fed up with how they are portrayed in MGS2... so they tell the staff their dilemmas. (From the dork who brought you Snake Vs. DDR!!) COMPLETED!
1. Snake's Dilemma

**Solid Snake and Raiden... SPEAK OUT!! **

Chapter 1 - Snake's Dilemma

The staff of Metal Gear Solid 2 sat patiently in their conference room. They had been called there for a very important meeting by the one and only, Solid Snake. They were pretty worried, however, since... well... Snake never really made any conferences with them before. They chattered with eachother nervously, trying to figure out why they were there...   
But then, they grew silent, as the doors to the conference room opened, and in entered Snake, in his traditional Sneaking Suit. He stood at the head of the table, and sorted the papers he had there.

"Hi everyone." he grumbled "I suppose you're all guessing why you're here."   
"Actually... No." Hideo Kojima (MGS2's director... whatever) replied. "We peeked at it while you were in the can." Snake sighed angrily. "Oh..." He sneered.   
"Well then, for those of you who DIDN'T peek... I'm here to rant about our new game Metal Gear Solid 2." Snake sighed. 

The staff looked around innocently. 

Snake grumbled. "Don't play dumb with me. Now look, I understand you guys had all that fancy state-of-the-art graphics and AI and what-not... but..."   
"But---!" Harry Gregson-Williams (the music ...guy) screeched. "You liked the music, right? I wrote lots of pretty songs!! Sitting in my office eating endless cans of ravioli!! I like Chef Boyardee!" Snake nodded. "Yeah... No problem with the music..." he said. "..But, I DO have a problem with my 'co-star'." 

Hideo's face became ill. "Hm.... your co-star? Why, does he cause trouble for you, Snake?" Hideo asked. Snake clentched his fists. Yeah, the co-star caused SOME trouble for him... that's putting it lightly. "Yes. My co-star 'Raiden' is causing me.. uh... a lot of stress lately." Snake replied. Hideo nodded, asthough he completely understood.   
"I see, you're not used to a co-star, huh? Aw, that's too bad." Hideo sighed. Snake glared at him for a second, then sorted his papers. "Yeah. So... I wanted to propose something. Uh, can I have a NEW co-star? One that's not a fruit, but ALSO not cooler than me?" He asked. 

Hideo shook his head. "Snake, the only reason we had Raiden was.. to.. uh... make YOU look cooler! That's why he's a fruit!" Hideo said, all innocently and what-not. Snake's face lit up for once in his life. "You mean-- I'm still the popular one!?" he asked all happily. Hideo nodded.   
Snake laughed gleefully to himself, as he picked up his papers and trotted happily out the door. 

But just as the staff began to relax, the conference room door opened again... this time Raiden walked in, holding a bunch of papers.... 

* * *

**Note From JennH (the author?) --*LOL* This story is stoopid, but who cares!?   
So was 'Solid Snake VS. Dance Dance Revolution'!! Please review!! :) **


	2. Raiden's Dilemma

**Solid Snake and Raiden... SPEAK OUT!! **

Chapter 2 - Raiden's Dilemma

The staff groaned as now Raiden made his way into the conference room. Holding about 50 times more paper than Snake, he set them down at the head of the table. The staff looked at him expectantly, as he cleared his throat, and shuffled his papers. "I see Snake was already here, filing HIS complaints and what-not...well, sorry guys, but now it's MY turn."   
The staff sighed angrily as Raiden began to look through his papers. Of course, his papers were all crumpled and stained with coffee (at least, the staff had hoped it was coffee). Raiden then cleared his throat when he found a paper suitable to read. 

"Ok, 'staff'", he began, "I have some... well... a LOT of problems with uh..." Raiden shuffled through more papers. "Oh! Metal Gear Solid..." That staff waited intently for the number. Raiden glanced at them for a moment, then kept reading. "Yes. Metal Gear Solid. I have a HUGE problem with that game."   
Kojima sat up, his face verrrry angry. "WHAT!? How could you have hated that game!? It was ART! ....and you weren't even in it!!" Raiden shook his head. "I don't care." he sighed. "I still have a lot of suggestions for it." Kojima sat back down, huffing with his arms crossed. 

"NOW," Raiden continued, "Here are my suggestions for Metal Gear Dolid.... er, SOLID.. you know, like to make a remake of it or something." Raiden cleared his throat, as the staff sighed and waited for him to read his demands... or whatever. 

_"Ok, first off, the title should be called 'Metal Gear RAIDEN', since everyone looooves me." _he began.   
The staff rolled their eyes.   
_"Second, there should be NO Snake whatsoever. Only ME. Hence the title."_   
Kojima shook his head as the rest of the staff groaned.   
Raiden glared at them evilly.   
_"And third, Harry Gregson-Williams or whatever should do ALL the music, even the remixes."_   
Harry does a standing ovation while the rest of the staff look confused. 

"Remixes?" Kojima asked. Raiden nodded. "Yup. Remixes. You know, I like to get it on to the funky beats, if you know what I mean..." Raiden laughed. Kojima rubbed his head, asthough he had a migrane. "Hmmm. I'll think about this." he sighed. Raiden leaped for joy, then cleared his throat, and calmly picked up his papers as he hopped out the door. 

Kojima rubbed his head, as Harry continued to stand and clap. "So many characters to satisfy... how can I do it?" he groaned to himself. 

* * *

**

Note From JennH (the author?) -- Sorry about another note. I'll stop these, I swear.  
Anyways, uh... sorry about the Raiden bashing.  
I like him, but he's so easy to make fun of! 

**


	3. Kojima's Solution

**Solid Snake and Raiden... SPEAK OUT!! **

Chapter 3 - Kojima's Solution

It was now Saturday, as Kojima sat at home in his kitchen, trying to find out SOMETHING he could do to satisfy his two main characters for his Metal Gear series... eventhough both of their ideas sounded pretty stupid... like as if they were made up by some sort of untalented author who thought of them in 5 minutes.   
He sighed, and took out a pencil and piece of paper. "_Okay,"_ he thought to himself. "_Think hard now, Hideo. What did Snake want again...? Oh yeah!"_ He tightly grasped his pencil and jotted:

_Snake's Demands:  
Get Rid of Raiden_

Kojima thought some more. No wait... but did Snake still want to get rid of Raiden? Didn't Kojima already tell Snake the purpose of Raiden? So that he'd look cooler? Kojima thought some more... then erased what he wrote. _"Ok... and what did Raiden want? Oh yeah..."_ Kojima threw away his pencil and paper over his shoulder. "Fat chance I'm doing THAT!" he laughed to himself.  
"Raiden doesn't have enough fans to support his own single game title!! That's exactly what happened when I made my game 'Hideo Kojima's Boxorama Fama!' It sunk like a rock!" Kojima rubbed his head, and just then, the phone rang. "Ooh! I hope that's Avon!" he gleamed. He stood up and raced to the phone. 

"Hello-hello-hello??" he asked all happily.   
_"Uh... hi, Mr.Kojima."_ It was Raiden.   
"Oh... it's you. Look, I've been thinking about the Metal Gear Raiden idea..." Kojima began.   
_"Oh? You... have?? Well, I've been thinking about it too..."_ Raiden interrupted.   
"You're giving up the idea???" Kojima asked, his face lighting up.   
_"What? No! I'm not giving that idea up! It's the best idea I've ever had!!"_

Kojima snuffed.   
_"But, I decided to EXPAND on my idea."_   
"Oh... Can't wait to hear this." Kojima sighed.   
_"Damn straight. Anyways, my idea is that we sell Metal Gear Raiden to only ME!"_   
Kojima's eyes widened.   
"What...? Only make ONE copy?" he asked. "Do you ... do you realize how much that's going to cost the company?"   
_"Uh huh!!"_ Raiden agreed. _"I know how much it'll cost! That way, I can bring down Konami! MWA HA HA--"_

Kojima hung up the phone. 

No one makes fun of Konami... not to Hideo. No one defaces Konami stuff... not to Hideo. No one eats stale Twinkies... except Hideo. But EVERYONE knows, that if you tell Hideo you're going to bring down Konami or bankrupt it or something, you're in for a lot of hurt.   
Hideo then picked up the phone again, and dialled good ol' Solid Snake. 

"Snake, it's me." Kojima said,  
"Get the guns ready, I'm going Fox Hunt-- I mean, Jackel Huntin-- I mean.. AUGH! I'm going to go kill Raiden!!!" 

_ **--Oh no!! Will Hideo Kojima and Snake successfully go out and give Raiden the ol' One-Two? Or does Raiden have something up his sleeve for THEM as well? Tune in next time for... uh... the next chapter! HUZZAH!--** _


	4. Raiden Likes Raiden

_***Warning!! - There's some... rude things in this chapter!! At least, I THINK they're rude...  
******And again, sorry about the Raiden bashing!! I like him! I really do!! He's just so..... fruity! *LOL*_

**Solid Snake and Raiden... SPEAK OUT!! **

Chapter 4 - Raiden Likes Raiden

Kojima and Snake hid outside of Raiden's apartment (since Video Game characters don't get paid that much)... anyways, they hid outside of his apartment room. Kojima turned the safety off of his FA-MAS. "Alrighty." he sneered. "It's pay back time! No one, and I mean NO ONE tries to bring Konami down!!" Snake rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right..." he sighed.   
Kojima shook his head. "I mean, how can he do this? Thanks to me, I saved him from the peril of appearing in numerous McCain and Tang commercials!! And what does he do? Try to bring my dear, dear Konami down!! Oh ho ho! He's gonna pay!!" Kojima gleamed. 

Snake sighed again. "Let's just break in and kill him." he grumbled. Kojima jolted. "Oh yeah!! Is that why we're here?" 

-------

Meanwhile, Raiden was doing.... not very nice things in his apartment. He stood in the bathroom, staring at his butt in the mirror, making kissy faces, and talking to himself and what-not. "Well, well, you're very nice back there, Mr.Raiden... Oh yes, you think so? ... Of course! You're way more irresistable than that old fogey Solid Snake... blah blah... Make love to me... Oh, I can't! That'd be wrong!! ... Please Mr.Raiden?.... Oh, alright..."   
_...Knock, Knock..._   
Raiden jolted at the sound of someone knocking on his door. "Darn it, I was just getting good too!!" he hissed. He then glanced at himself in the mirror one more time, flashed a smirk, then slumped out of the bathroom to the front door. Just as he was about to reach for the handle, he stopped. _"Wait a sec."_ he thought. _"What happens if its one of those sales people...? Or... Jehovah's Witnesses? Or.... the IRS!? Maybe I should get my sword... just in case..."_

Raiden then went over, and got his sword... his trusty HF Blade. Not to be confused with HR Block. That was down the street.... and Raiden wasn't THAT desperate for money. Hmph. He held his sword tightly in his hand, and went back to the door. He closed his hand around the knob, and slowly opened it... but just a crack. "Yello...?" he asked.   
Kojima was just about to leap out at Raiden, but Snake grabbed his arm and shook his head. "He has his sword! He'll deflect our bullets!" he sneered. Kojima groaned quietly and nodded. "Darn." he said. "Who is it!?" Raiden screamed. Kojima and Snake froze; they had to say something!! 

Snake then cleared his throat, and approached the door. "Hey Raiden... or whatever." he grumbled. Raiden's eyes widened, and he lowered his sword. "Snake!? What? Why're you at my house? I remember last time you came here!! Dying my hair purple like that! Very mean!!"   
Snake chuckled, as Kojima backed away from the door. "Yeah... uh... that ... uh. WAS mean. Heh. Anyways, I ... uh came here to discuss with you the importance... of... um... sniping! Yeah, that's it, sniping!" Snake said. Raiden opened his door further, as he gave Snake an odd look. "The importance of... sniping...? Ok... I guess that works. C'mon in. But, stay out of the bathroom!!" Raiden hissed. 

Snake nodded an entered, as Kojima was left out in the hall, standing there like an idiot with a FA-MAS. 


	5. The Concept Of Love

_*** Oh no! More gross stuff! That Raiden... always causing trouble. Any more of this and I'm gonna have to change the rating!! *LOL*_

**Solid Snake and Raiden... SPEAK OUT!!**

Chapter 5 - The Concept Of Love

Snake sat in Raiden's living room, on the love seat... which was bad enough...uh... He glanced around the living room as Raiden was busy moving about in the kitchen, humming the 'Postman Pat' theme to himself. "Uh, you want anything to drink, Snake?" he called out. Snake jolted. "Uh, no thanks, Raiden." Snake sighed.   
He didn't like Raiden's apartment at all. It was too... clean. Unlike Snake's apartment, which was filled with smoke and dirty magazines all over the floor. Of course, whenever Otacon came over he'd tuck them safely away under his couch. 

Raiden then came out from the kitchen, but his pants were ruffled a little... asthough he was going through them... Snake shuddered. "So, Snake..." Raiden sighed, as he sat across from him. "You're here to... tell me the 'importance' of sniping...?" he asked. Snake nodded, hiding his SOCOM in his pocket. "Yeah, you only know the basics, but there's...uh... a WHOLE lot more to learn about the use of a PSG1." Snake grumbled.   
Raiden nodded... but he had no idea what a PSG1 was. "I see." he replied, and he scratched his head. Snake then looked off, and continued to examine the rest of the living room.... Silence... silence... silence... 

Raiden then perked up and glared at Snake oddly. "Snake, do you like my..." Snake's eyes widened. 

-----

Meanwhile, Kojima was still waiting outside in the hallway with his FA-MAS. Of course, he had headed out earlier and bought himself a hot-dog. Well, a corn-dog. Whatever. The only difference is the bun, anyways. He chuckled to himself. "That hot dog vendor was really nice! He gave me a 'don't shoot me' discount! He looked so scared, maybe I put him out of business?" Kojima said to himself. "Good hot dog anyways. Mmm... Now, what was I doing here again?"   
Just then, Snake came running out of Raiden's apartment, bandana missing, all sweaty, and trembling. Kojima jumped. "Ahh!! What..? Snake! What happened to you?" he asked. Snake shook his head fast. "Y-You kill him yourself! I'm amazed he has a girlfriend!!" Snake managed to say, as he handed Kojima ALL of his weapons and what-not, and bolted out the door. 

Kojima shrugged. "Fine. I'll do it MY-SELF!! He's never getting away with putting Hideo KOJIMA out of business!! Unless.. of course, he takes all my money, then that'd just be mean." Kojiam cleared his throat, then headed towards the door. He took a few breaths, and knocked very firmly.   
"This is Hideo Kojima!!" he called. "Director, Mentor, Doctor, whatevor! I get my underwear shipped by UPS!!" The door immediately opened. Standing there, was Raiden yet again (well duh, it's HIS apartment). "Really? Is UPS faster than Express Mail?" Raiden asked all excitedly. "I mean, sure it's EXPRESS, but it's not very fast! Hmph." 

Kojima smirked. "Oh yes!" he said proudly. "And you know what else will be fast? Your DEATH!!" 


	6. My Two Raidens

_**Again and again... Lemme get this straight. I LIKE Raiden, so don't think I'm bashing him! OK? OK!  
I'll make it even, alrighty? Well, maybe not... whatever. Just remember! He's one of my fav. characters!_

**Solid Snake and Raiden... SPEAK OUT!! **

Chapter 6 - My Two Raidens

Raiden looked at Kojima oddly, as Kojima stood before him, baring his teeth and aiming his FA-MAS, making odd growling noises. "A... fast death? But, if you're trying to kill me to make an impact or some sort of message, isn't it supposed to be a slow death?" Raiden asked. Kojima paused, and lowered his gun. "Y'know what? I think you're right!" he sighed. Raiden nodded. "Don't worry about it. It's a common mistake." he replied.   
Raiden then reached into his pocket and took out some melted chocolates that had gotton covered in pocket lint. "Want a chocolate? They're from last Halloween." Raiden said. Kojima looked at Raiden, then at the chocolate. "Sure." he said, holding out his hand. 

But then, Raiden grabbed his hand, and pulled him into his apartment, closing and locking the door behind them. 

-----

"Wh-where are you taking me?!" Kojima demanded, as Raiden dragged a now tied-up Kojima through his apartment. "I'm putting you where I put HIM." Raiden sneered. Kojima looked at him oddly. "'Him'? You mean Big Boss?" Kojima asked. Raiden snickered. "No, silly. RAIDEN." he laughed. Kojima shook his head. "What?" he asked.   
Raiden then plopped Kojima on his livingroom floor, and stood infront of him. "I finally have you..." he sneered. Reaching up to his face, he tugged on it, then it pulled off...like a mask. Kojima's eyes widened. "ROSE!?!?" he gasped. Rose chuckled. "Here I am!" she giggled. 

"But-- it doesn't make any sense!! Raiden-- he--!!" Kojima tried harder to wiggle out of his ropes. Rose giggled again. "Oh come on, you know Raiden's not bright enough to do any of this!" she laughed, as Kojima grunted in efforts to untie the ropes.   
"Well, at-at least tell me how you did it, and what you want!! Just like any other villain of sorts!" Kojima sneered. Rose sneezed, giggled annoyingly again, then looked back at Kojima. "Sure thing." she laughed. 

_ "You see, I am Rose, Raiden's girlfriend...  
However, I only acted as a FREAKIN' CODEC support in MGS2,  
So, outraged, I asked Raidan to make complaints to you guys about that..._

But of course, he was too lazy and too stupid to think about me,   
And all HE ended up doing was write about his own stupid complaints,  
SO, I decided to take matters into my own hands."

Rose sighed, then picked up Kojima and propped him on the love seat. She then walked over, sat on the couch across from him, and crossed her legs. 

_"So, I waited until you and Snake came to kill Raiden,  
(I waited outside and looked in from the apartment windows... of course,   
climbing trees was hard and guys below me kept trying to look up my skirt.)" _

Kojima nodded. So THAT's why there was such a big crowd outside. He thought it was because he had his fly down... it used to always grab the ladies and guys attention in High school... guess he didn't have the attractivness he used to have... Ah well. 

_"Anyways,   
When Raiden let Snake into his house, I tranquilized Raiden in the head while he was in the kitchen,  
Stealing his suit, I dressed up as him... then carried out his role, so that I could tell you MY demands."_

Rose smiled, then patted her butt. "Good thing Raiden does a lot of sitting, or else you'd find me out in a second!" she laughed. Kojima laughed too. In the background they could hear angry muffles and banging, coming from the kitchen, but they ignored it.   
"You're right!," Kojima laughed. "but... where did you put him?" Rose sighed. "In the kitchen cupboard. It was a tight squeeze, but I got him in there eventually." she said. Kojima shook his head. 

"Well, anyways, I can't let you be a main character, Rose... unless you die or something. So, I'm afraid you're going to have to be stuck being a CODEC support." Kojima said. Rose nodded. "Yes, I realize that now." she replied. "Eventhough we only talked for a few minutes, I want this story to end, so... maybe we could make a compromise." Kojima nodded. "Yeah, maybe we will."   
Just then, they both heard a loud crash. The thuds of footsteps from the kitchen running off in the distance, the slam of a door, ....silence..., then the opening of the door and thuds of steps coming towards them. They looked, and it was the REAL Raiden... dressed in his signature sneaking suit... since that's the only thing the author can picture him wearing. 

He stepped into the livingroom, and stared at Kojima, then at Rose wearing his suit. He glanced back at Kojima, then back at Rose. Kojima. Rose. Kojima. Rose. He then shrugged, sighing, and walked towards Rose. "I-I can explain!!" Rose said innocently. "I'm sure you can. But you know, this is JUST like the time you were supposed to drive me to the library but you dropped me off at a gay bar..." Raiden began.   
Rose pleaded. "N-no! No! Raiden, that was an accident! But, you told me you had fun there--" 

But just then, a large slamming sound was heard banging against the apartment door. The slams continued a few more times, until the door finally broke open. In rushed several SWAT officers, armed with MP-5s and other big guns. Then, behind them, entered Solid Snake.... 

_ **--Uh oh!! What brings Snake here again? And... why did he bring a SWAT team? Will Rose ever develop the brains to dump Raiden and go out with someone straight? Tune in next time for... uh... my next chapter! HUZZAH!!--** _


	7. All's Well That Ends Well

**Solid Snake and Raiden... SPEAK OUT!! **

Chapter 7 - All's Well That Ends Well

The 3 of them froze, as the SWAT teams aimed their weapons at them and surveyed the room cautiously. "D-Don't get mud on the floor. I just mopped." Raiden stammered. The SWAT teams froze, went to the welcome mat to wipe their boots, then continued to survey the room. "Thanks." Raiden sighed.   
Snake snuffed, then walked towards the three. "Sorry about the big entrance, I didn't want to take any chances." he grumbled. "Take any chances?" Raiden asked. Snake nodded. "Yeah. Rose is a really smart killer." he sighed. The SWAT officers then moved to Rose, and threw her to the floor, cuffing her. 

"HEY!! What're you doing!?" she screeched. "You just broke a very serious law," Snake said gruffly, "Hating Konami." The SWAT officers then stood Rose up, and headed out the door. "Hey!! Raiden, you're my boyfriend!! Help meeeeee!!!!" she screamed. Raiden sighed. "Sorry Rose. You're... uh... just not my type I guess!" he laughed. Snake smirked. "Are you gonna go after Mei-Ling? She's not bad." he chuckled.   
Raiden shook his head. "Nah. I'll find someone though, don't worry. I mean, if it's not Rose, it could be anybody! Maybe even someone else in this room!!" he said happily. All of the officers, Kojima, and even Snake froze. Considering they were all guys. Raiden chuckled to himself, eyes closed, and rubbed his head. "Or... it could just be the tranquilizer that's making me think funny!" 

Raiden then opened his eyes, to find his apartment completely empty. "Hey!! I was just joking!!" he yelled after them. "Tranquilizer doesn't make me think funny!! ...GUYS!!" 

-----

It was now Monday, as the dear old folks at Konami got back to work... 

The staff of Metal Gear Solid 2 sat patiently in their conference room, as Snake and Raiden entered, together, in their traditional sneaking suits. They both stood at the head of the table, Snake sorting out his papers, and Raiden getting ready to speak. Then, they were ready.   
"Hello, everyone." Snake said, as Raiden stood silently in the background. "Now, I'm sure you guys DON'T know why we're here, since I brought my papers to the bathroom." The staff sighed disappointedly. "NOW, we're here to... apologize for our demands. And starting off will be Raiden. ...Raiden?" 

Snake turned to Raiden, who was off into space, daydreaming of what it would be like with a rocket-powered car. "RAIDEN!!" Snake yelled. Raiden jolted. "AHH! What?" he asked. "Your apology." Snake grumbled angrily. "Oh yeah!" Raiden said. He stood infront now, at the head of the table.   
_"Guys, um...  
Ok, I'm really sorry for saying my idea for Metal Gear Raiden.   
It was... a dumb idea. *sigh*  
And.. um... I STILL want Harry Gregson-Williams to make re-mixes for me. I love beats."_

The staff applauded Raiden's apology, especially Harry. This meant more money he could put towards his "Give Harry Gregson-Williams His Own Continent" fund. Raiden bowed, then walked to the back again. "Very nice." Snake grumbled. "As for me..." 

_"...alright. I'm... I'm sorry for saying I want a new co-star.  
I mean, sure, Raiden's a freak--"_   
Raiden gasped.   
_"...but, he's a good freak. In... a freaky kind of way. I mean...uh... OH!"_  
Just then, the part of Snake's brain that did heroic speeches started up again.   
_"Sure, Raiden's a fruit, a dumb blonde, a..a... ninja type thing.  
But, you can't choose your partners.  
The only thing that should matter is your trust in eachother, your courage and faith in eachother.   
This is a TEAM, a friendship... they go deeper than skin and bone."_

The staff yawned. 

_"Alright, I'll cut this short.  
I am NOT ashamed of my partner. I'm... I'm proud of him.  
He has a LOT to learn, but seeing as how smart he is, I'm sure that won't be a problem.  
And... if I go, and need a replacement, ...*sigh*   
I'll be glad its him. Thank you."_

Snake glanced over at Raiden gruffly, and saw taht he had tears in his eyes. "Th--Thank you, Snake." Raiden gleamed, as he ran up and gave him a hug (a manly one, jeez).   
The staff stood up and did an ovation, as Raiden let go of Snake, sniffling. "Don't do that again." Snake grumbled. "Huh?" Raiden asked, wiping his eye. "N-Nevermind." Snake said. They bowed to the staff, who still applauded.... all's well that ends well. 

Oh yes, and Rose? Well, let's just say she's gonna be gone for a loooong time. Heh.

**THE END**

* * *

** _Note From JennH:  
_** *sigh* I'm gonna miss this story, what with Raiden's fruitiness ... Kojima's dorkiness...   
But, all stories have to end some time or another. Oh well.   
In the meantime, I'll try think of another one to write. But more importantly... review! 


End file.
